Time to Turn Inward or Outward?
Hello lovelies.
So, I've stumbled, again, into an issue that I can't quite sort out for myself. Most of my most trusted friends frequest this site, and many people I don't know at all, so it will be nice to have advice from those I trust and those who have a fresh perspective.
I'm not looking so much for a 'magical' fix, though if you have something to suggest, I certainly wouldn't turn my nose up at it. I'm looking for life experience, wisdom, gut feelings. Just simple advice from people I think might be able to offer more than the average "Meh" opinion.
As some of you know, I've come out of a long-term relationship and returned home to my parents, minus cats, minus my own space, minus my own plants and minus a fiance. So far I've managed to adapt and sort myself out, but I'm now at that place where I need to stop recovering from heartache and start living my new, all-about-me life. I'm standing at a fork in the road for the year and I don't know which road to take... Both have their ups and downs, potential healing and potential harm. I just don't know which one is worth it, which one will take me where I want to be in life.
To put it in simple, coherent terms: Should I turn inward for a year, and work on myself, or outward, and explore my new life?
The day I moved out and back home, my Dad sat me down over a hearty english breakfast and told me that the feeling of disconnection- that horrible, terrifying feeling of being unanchored and drifting- was a good thing. It meant I had nothing tying me down to a particular place. I could use it as an opportinity to slingshot myself to wherever I wanted to be. I was free. I am free. To do what I want, to be who I want to be.
I feel fragile. I feel very, very frightened. I feel incredibly liberated. Simultaneously melancholy and joyous. It's been four, nearly five months and I still have moments where I break down like I did on that first day. Some days I don't know who I've become, because I take on the single-crazy-outgoing-dyke persona like a character in a play. Sometimes I paint. The only place where I feel I know who and where I am is in the studio, painting, because that big ol' tin shed is completely disconnected from time and space.
It's the new year. I need to decide if this will be a year of turning inward, remembering who I am, healing wounds left untreated.... Or a year where I discard what I can and rebuild myself, explore the world, make new friends and discover new territory. I know that each choice will irreprably change what my life will be like, just as choosing to live with Him changed my life and my world. I have a new chapter to write. I don't know how to begin.
Which do you think I need more? Which seems more sensible?
Your opinions, please. I seek them. I cannot spend another year in a nowhere place.
I owe it to myself and those around me to fight my fears and make a choice.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Adam al Ghul -
I suggest you take the inward path. Although it wasn't a post-relationship trauma, I was like how you feel during my last year of college. I was down and felt worn down emotionally and physically. So I took the year off afterwards instead of going to University straight away and I took the time to focus on myself and sort myself out, and now I am much better.
Although the outward option can be a good one too, perhaps it will be more like a distraction from your personal problems, rather than a cure. You're young (I assume) you have time to do both. Sort out your head and heart, then see what life has to offer if you feel that is what you need.
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Permalink Reply by Miss Nel (Spacious Feline)
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Adam al Ghul said:
I suggest you take the inward path. Although it wasn't a post-relationship trauma, I was like how you feel during my last year of college. I was down and felt worn down emotionally and physically. So I took the year off afterwards instead of going to University straight away and I took the time to focus on myself and sort myself out, and now I am much better.
Although the outward option can be a good one too, perhaps it will be more like a distraction from your personal problems, rather than a cure. You're young (I assume) you have time to do both. Sort out your head and heart, then see what life has to offer if you feel that is what you need.
This is what I was thinking too. I don't know how to be social and for a long while I had a fear of strangers and crowds, so going out and socialising with strangers still makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. That discomfort is why I think about the outward direction as well, though. My wariness might just be some remaining symptom of that phobia. If I'm wrong, though, and what you say is true, then I'd be doing myself more damage than good.
I like the idea of turning inward. It could help a lot of things, but if I'm right about the turning outward/people phobia thing, then it could also do more damage. I might never come out of the introverted state. It's all a bit confusing and I don't like it. XDI like the way you think and the things you've said. Thankyou for offering your thoughts... I appreciate it. :)
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Permalink Reply by Lady Morgen/Allergic to FLUFF! -
Blessings and Huggle Nels!
i would suggest, first, Start a NEW Journal. Fresh Page, and choose a colour of Ink that you usually don't use.
Next, take it week by week, spend a little time each day at first, looking back, and then later on the week, Looking forward. Add something New to what you already do. Do ordinary things in a differnt order. Spend that much needed alone time, Alone! Pick a place for the Alone time that is differnt than where you are used to spending it alone.
Don't seek to change too much too quick, but make the changes slowly and deliberately. in time, you will see what works and what doesnt and maybe even along the way, discover a Newness that you would have never seen before!
:) Huggles!
Morgen
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Permalink Reply by Miss Nel (Spacious Feline)
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Lady Morgen/Allergic to FLUFF! said:
Blessings and Huggle Nels!
i would suggest, first, Start a NEW Journal. Fresh Page, and choose a colour of Ink that you usually don't use.
Next, take it week by week, spend a little time each day at first, looking back, and then later on the week, Looking forward. Add something New to what you already do. Do ordinary things in a differnt order. Spend that much needed alone time, Alone! Pick a place for the Alone time that is differnt than where you are used to spending it alone.
Don't seek to change too much too quick, but make the changes slowly and deliberately. in time, you will see what works and what doesnt and maybe even along the way, discover a Newness that you would have never seen before!
:) Huggles!
Morgen
What fantastic advice... Thankyou Morgen m'sweet. I've actually started journalling, lulz, in purple pen, so this amused me to no end. (I am so easily amused. XD)
I think I will work on the different order of things and taking myself to different places. We live by the river and I never go down there by myself, but always wanted to... So I think I might do so.
Thankyou sweetheart. *Hugs*
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Permalink Reply by Makoons -
To my mind, I would try having a healthy balance of both. When I broke up with my first fiancee 4 years ago I went through something similar. I was heartbroken, but also excited to see where my new-found freedom would take me and what I could really do with it. Sad, but liberated.
I did take time to heal internally. I went to ceremonies, I spoke one-on-one with the spirits, I journaled, and I did what it took to heal and be confident in myself. I knew I would never be happy in life if I didn't learn what I wanted in life and what I liked about myself.
I also indulged in my new singlehood. I went out when I felt like it, partied, drank for the first time in my life, smoked for the first time in my life and loved every moment of not having someone to answer to. There's a point where such behavior can get destructive, but I was always careful to not step over the line. That, and I completely cleared my mind of any thoughts of getting intimate with someone new...casually or otherwise. I needed to spend quality time with me and not be focused on finding solace in someone else.
Starting over is always scary, but I'm of the mind that that doesn't mean it can't also be fun. Maybe I'm a really annoying optimist but I've always liked the feeling of now knowing where a new adventure is going to take me.
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Permalink Reply by Miss Nel (Spacious Feline)
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Makoons said:
To my mind, I would try having a healthy balance of both. When I broke up with my first fiancee 4 years ago I went through something similar. I was heartbroken, but also excited to see where my new-found freedom would take me and what I could really do with it. Sad, but liberated.
I did take time to heal internally. I went to ceremonies, I spoke one-on-one with the spirits, I journaled, and I did what it took to heal and be confident in myself. I knew I would never be happy in life if I didn't learn what I wanted in life and what I liked about myself.
I also indulged in my new singlehood. I went out when I felt like it, partied, drank for the first time in my life, smoked for the first time in my life and loved every moment of not having someone to answer to. There's a point where such behavior can get destructive, but I was always careful to not step over the line. That, and I completely cleared my mind of any thoughts of getting intimate with someone new...casually or otherwise. I needed to spend quality time with me and not be focused on finding solace in someone else.
(THIS. THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES THIS. Take that, Jai!)
((Er. Outside conversation, nevermind. XD))Starting over is always scary, but I'm of the mind that that doesn't mean it can't also be fun. Maybe I'm a really annoying optimist but I've always liked the feeling of now knowing where a new adventure is going to take me.
Makoonsybutt, your post has so far been the most in line with the way my mind has been working over the past few weeks, and it's nice to see someone clear up the clutter and present the thoughts in a nice clean coherent way. I love how you do that. Such a skill! :D
I'll think about this post a lot in the weeks/months to come, I believe. I may end up chasing you up whenever you're online. Your loveliness has doomed you to incessant harassment and kitty loves! Thankyou, sweets. <3
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Permalink Reply by Journey -
I think if you choose to turn inward and sort out your feelings it will help and I also think over time you will turn outward without actually trying, because by that time your mind and body will be healed and you will automatically be ready to move on with new things. Does that make sense? I was trying to think of how to word that without sounding like an idiot lol!
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Permalink Reply by Megan Herrod -
if I were you I would be bold, be courageous... be the pheonix rising from the ashes. You have a chance to be reborn into a stronger, better, more free "you"...
Be deliberate. Conquer your fear and shed your burdens. Now is a perfect time to chase a dream. Also, let yourself explore "fun", remember that? I get the impression that you want to "turn inward" more out of fear of losing control that out of a desire to work on yourself... Is that the case. I think the best approach is to explore... then return "home" to yourself and consider, the rinse and repeat LOL! Balance an inner journey, with the outer one. Take risks (no stupid ones) but daring risks and discover new parts of yourself!
So to me, I say... don't pick a path 'inward or outward'- instead... journey down a two forked road!
Good Luck!
Megan
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Permalink Reply by Leisha -
Thankfully it isn't an either/or. Be inward on days when you feel meh, and be outward on days when you feel whee. Just give yourself permission to get on with living, and things will fall into place.
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Permalink Reply by Elise -
I agree with Lady Morgen and Makoons. I want to add, however, that maybe you shouldn't put a set period of time for this - "a year of going inward" or "a year of going outward" means that one of the options gets left on the back burner for an awful long time.
With my type of temper - and I'm like you, I have a hard time being with more than 1-2 people at a time, especially if it's not my close family - I'm inclined to say: start with going inward for a while, and maybe at some point in the summer, start adding a bit of outward, gradually. It's important to be healed, at least in part, before going outward, otherwise your inner wounds will come and bite you on the nose - hard - in a while because they were neglected in the first place. Don't discard them.
Also, since you're keeping a journal, maybe that could become your main "inward" activity (maybe along with painting)? Go crazy and write write write. When you're tired of writing... it would be time to slowly reach outward...
And... that idea from your father, that you are not tied down, is fabulous. Thank you for sharing that little bit of wisdom. :)
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Permalink Reply by Airlia Skye -
I like this thread. :)
I agree that you should do a bit of both. My mind tends to race when I'm upset, and it can get pretty wild in there. All those thoughts just weigh on me until I'm depressed.Outward time allows me to ignore those nasty thoughts.
Have you considered looking up an old friend on Facebook and reconnecting with them? It should help that you already kinda know them (though people do change over time) and if it goes well, you can meet their newer friends. :) Before you know it, you have a good handful of friends to go out with and have all kinds of fun! :)
