RealPagan- Paganism for the Real World


Need some help to strengthen my resolve

As some folks here are aware I've been ill for about two months. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have a lung function test on the lung that's functioning correctly to see if I can live with that one alone. Depending on the results, the docs are immediately scheduling a pneomonectomy or a lobectomy on the left. During either surgery they are going to remove a rib to determine why I keep cracking them. I have broken two on either side over the course of six weeks.
So here goes...I'm scared. My wife died during a surgery a few years ago and for years I have been misdiagnosed for a variety of illnesses. I was given repeated ECT's on an outpatient basis that have led to memory problems and communication deficit. To put it simply, I don't trust doctors.

While the tests and surgery were a week away, I was fine. I thought I had resolved myself to it. Beginning last night I started to question whether or not to go through with it. As I do with just about everything, I made a list of the good and bad. I will admit that the list of reasons to go through with it is long, much longer than the reasons not to but I still keep finding myself trying to come up with an excuse not to do it.

So I guess I'm asking for help. No "there there's" or "you'll be fine" but actual ideas as to how I can get my butt to leave the house tomorrow and head for the hospital. Any help would be appreciated.

Add a Comment

You need to be a member of RealPagan- Paganism for the Real World to add comments!

Join RealPagan- Paganism for the Real World

Sophia Kyraphia Comment by Sophia Kyraphia on December 6, 2010 at 8:32pm
Being someone who has spent waaaay more time in the hospital than your average bear, I get the anxiety around this. there is a certain amount of PTSD that happens from being sick and having your control removed. going to the doctors reinforces that fear that we really are at the mercy of others, and also being a misdiagnosed illness person for years, sometimes their incompetency made things worse, not better in specific situations. But overall, it made it better... when your time comes to die, it doesn't matter, your time will happen whether at home or in a hospital. it sounds like this time of sickness here for you is to make your peace with control and death. for in truth we have no say in either... that is the harsh reality... the mahabarata states that "we live amongst death everyday, but live as if we are immortal." you see this clearer than most right now. at the same time, the benevolent ACTUAL bigger Reality (capital R) that is deeper than the harsh reality aspect is that this is only a truck stop for you and not your end point. a place to fix your car, gas your car, which is greasy, dirty and not particularly savor. crazy shit happens in the parking lot! however, being that this is only the truck stop, you are on your way to your holy spot, and the journey getting there is a refinment your spirit. You are doing it are not being punished... you came into your life to do this alongside all the love and joy that has been in your life... my high priestess tells me all the time that the lords of light do not give us more than we can handle, we just may not agree with them where that line is... I promise, you have the courage present in you. I found mine... you can too. The trick to getting out of the house... ask a friend to go with you, have them pick your ass up and go along. that way you aren't alone and they make sure you go too. tell them why you need them to do this. you might feel very anxious... this is to be expected as you are not a zombie... (we can't speak for the rest of society, however!)
Sutra Comment by Sutra on December 6, 2010 at 8:50am
I was hoping to catch a few of you in chat before I leave just to say thanks. After a long talk with Shawn last night (or was it this morning) I'm ready even if it's just to get it over with. To my friends here, and the handful that feel more like family thank you for enriching my life this past year. Hopefully I'll be back in a week or so.
Hugs and stuff.
Ezzmyrrhelldah Comment by Ezzmyrrhelldah on December 5, 2010 at 10:34pm
Hi Sutra....there is no need for me to give any advice or suggestions as everyone here who has responded has done and said what is needed. What i am going to say is....blessings to you on whatever your decision, and whatever your decision, it will be the right one. Will be lighting a candle and asking that you be given guidance and protection. ~Blessings~
Crystal Comment by Crystal on December 5, 2010 at 7:13pm
I don't know you Sutra but I am sorry you have to go through this. My father died 8 years ago, from a massive heart attack, that could have been prevented, had he gone to the doctor like he should have. He was afraid of what they would tell him, of what they might find, so he put it off. Because of those choices, he's no longer here with me today, and I had to bury him without a chance to say goodbye.

Life is too short to be afraid. I know it's easy to say, but I have medical conditions too that I should have taken care of long ago, but like my father, I was too afraid to know the answers..because of that, I may not ever have children of my own. There are plenty of people here who love and care for you, and you have enough witchy juju floating around to give you a lot of positive and protective energy. No one knows what the answers will be, but regardless what is told to you, at least you will know, and knowing what it is, how to battle it and beat it, gets rid of the fear. Fear largely comes from the unknown, so tell yourself that you have to do this for you. You have to face this unknown so you aren't afraid anymore.

I don't know how you believe, but I believe that our words have power. Speak those things that are not, as if they were. Tell yourself that you will go, you will have strength, you will get through this, and you will get the answers you need to make a plan of action. Keep speaking the positive until you believe it.

Sending lots of positive energy your way, and to the doctors that you will see.
Thorn Comment by Thorn on December 5, 2010 at 6:32pm
I almost lost my husband years ago to viral meningitis because he didn't want to go to the doctor. He begged not to go even when he could barely do more than moan in pain from a "headache". At that point I no longer cared what he wanted and dragged him to the ER. By the time we got there all he was doing was screaming. His headache was his brain swelling inside of his skull. If I had waited even till morning he would have died. Because I didn't insist on taking him to the doctor sooner they couldn't get the pain under control and had to tranquilize him. I'll never forgot having to make that decision. His ER doctor told me he might not wake up. He stayed asleep for almost a week while they administered antivirals and antibiotics intravenously (who the hell knows why he needed antibiotics for a virus but I'm not a doctor and wasn't going to complain). When he finally woke up I felt, I don't know what I felt. There's not a word for that kind of happiness that I know. Don't put yourself and your family through that kind of suffering. We got lucky, you may not.
Tasha Comment by Tasha on December 5, 2010 at 5:59pm
I have to go with Shawn said here. I've not been to a doctor in 11 years. Since I had my tubes tied after my youngest was born. I have always been afraid of what they may find. But, John has opened my eyes to the fact that, if there is something wrong, I need to take care of it, he doesn't want to lose me. I have finally come to terms with that. I realize too, that I'm not ready to leave him. We haven't made enough memories yet! So I'm finally following through on my medical and getting my issues dealt with.

That's what you have to do hun. Your family is not ready to lose you! You need to make more memories. :) You have a chance to give them a little more time. Take it. Some people do not have that chance. My cousin lost her husband recently, in a horrible accident and just 2 weeks ago, we lost my favorite Uncle, due to a massive heart attack no one saw coming. Both of these men still had so much life in them, we weren't ready to lose them. But you have the chance that could, quite possibly, give you more time. It will give your family peace of mind to know that you'll be around a little longer, rather than worry if today could be the day that your lungs fail completely. Sutra, give them that reassurance.

Best of luck to you and your procedure. :)
Arimesis Comment by Arimesis on December 5, 2010 at 4:38pm
I am going to repeat something that Elyria said. When the tests are done and the facts are known, you may be faced with some difficult choices. You may be given a choice between quality of life and quantity of life. If you are faced with a choice between having ten years of quality time to share with your children in a relatively pain-free way, time that they will remember as happy and constructive...or twenty years of of a bed-ridden and drugged stupor that your children will have nightmares in the future about...then you may be faced with a choice between quantity and quality of life. I pray that you will not be faced with this choice, but just as in magick, all aspects and outcomes must be faced and weighed before choices can be made. Sorry Sutra, it had to be addressed in open and clear terms.
chloe Comment by chloe on December 5, 2010 at 3:59pm
Sutra hon, your situation sucks , you only get one crack at this life girl, its not a dress rehersal and its for living, not just existing,you get up tomorrow girl and you tell yourself this is gonna work, you have everything to live for!..
Tune into your subconscious mind, you HAVE to do this! are suffering so much,you are not living at the moment and you are in so much pain and are trapped mostly in your bedroom..
So grit you teeth, be positive and do what we all have to do when we have that fear..face it head on and fight it..its those moments that give us the strength to get through the shitty times we have in this lifetime..
You are strong and i am really proud of you, you have been through some serioulsy traumatic times and have had to live with terrible is the time to get better..

I will send out all that i have for you, i want you to feel love and protection (((hugs)))

sending you love and light and the best of my brave my friend x
Shawn Comment by Shawn on December 5, 2010 at 1:42pm
Hey Sutra,

We talked about this a little, so while some of it comes as a surprise, most doesn't. What does, is that there's any chance you won't be going.. I thought your family was more important than that to you.

All I can tell you... is that I NEVER went to the doctor. Ever. And then, at 3am I did, on Dec 29th.

They told me that had I waited until the morning... I'd have not made it.

You have to do this. You have to go there, for you and more-so, for your family. It's not fair to them if you don't.

You KNOW that bad things will happen if you don't go. You are afraid. Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. Conquer that. Realize that no matter what you're afraid of.. NOT going is worse.

Realize that you have to do it... that there's no two ways around it.. and that not going is taking your own fears and making them more important than being around long term for your family who needs you.

I don't mean to be harsh... because you know all this already... but I think you need to hear it.

Lady Elyria Comment by Lady Elyria on December 5, 2010 at 1:24pm
Sutra, first of honey all my love and strength are yours......

now from a professional side,I will not give you any your going to be fines, because no matter what you choose, your life is going to be altered and change will happen .....I know that you have been mis-diagnosised and are mistrusting of the medical field, but to quote one of my doctors.....there is a reason it is called PRACTICING medicine. None of us have all the answers.

we learn new things about the human body every day. Sometimes we have vauge symptons and have to rule out, before we rule in, so it is not that these doctors were wrong, they just had to figure out what is was not to figure out what it is

When we look at people in the hospital, going through things like this we have to ask ourselves Quantity over Quality , is your life Quality going to improve or Just the quantity of your life span and that is something you have to answer for yourself and ask your doctors.

Many people live with only 1 lung in good quality for many , many years. IF your bones are breaking due to osteoporosis or brittle bone disease there are medications now that are very affective in re-growing bone so that could improve your quality.

As to the reasons that you should go are up to you, you have kids you need to look at the reality...if your life is going to be shortened do you want your kids to have your last days be Quality or Quantity.

I know people are going to read this and feel it is a cold answer , and maybe it is comming from my proffession you get a little cold to things like this. But the reality is that we have to place our trust in those that can help us and have faith that they will do everything in their power to fix us. You should go, at least have the PFT, see where your lung function is , it may be that they can not remove the lung any how, or it may turn out that your life quality will be improved. As strata said though it is chance and you have to be willing to take that gamble.

© 2010   Created by Sangraal

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service

Sign in to chat!
The Pagan Top Sites List