I feel somewhat one-sided doing this, since so far I haven't been able to think up a damn thing to post on anyone else's Needs posts. ><" Whiiich actually ties into number three, but I'll get there when I get there.
So. Here goes, eh?
Need #1. Independence.
I don't mind so much about being dependent on Jai. He supports me wonderfully, and when it comes down to times of scarcity and difficulty, I really don't need much to survive. My need here is the need for a life of our own. We rely so much on Jai's mother in everything- without her we'd have no food, no money, no house to live in. I was raised to stand on my own feet and doing this for well over four years now is a little ridiculous.
I want Jai and I to be on our own when we get married, secure and healthy, ready to start a family if the chance comes by. I don't need that, but I want it. What I do need is for the ball to start rolling towards that, or else I fear that we'll be like this forever. The thought of relying on and sapping Jai's ma until she's on her death bed breaks my heart, and I just won't let that happen... But I need help. The ball won't roll for me.
Need #2. Passion.
Passion in creativity, that is. You all know me, I'm obsessed with creating things. Every day, I'm either thinking about art or writing. I'm studying it, I practice it, I love it. So much. There is nothing in life that I love more- even Jai, sad to say, but he know that it's my life blood. I'll even go so far to say something cliche and terrible: Without it, I probably wouldn't even be able to love.
I used to be really passionate about it. I knew everything there was to know about art. I wrote through entire notebooks in under three days. The words just fell out of my head, weaving these beautiful (terribly boring, but I was 13, they were basically masturbation in writing. Without the sex.) and rich worlds. What I wrote wasn't just something I enjoyed but something that lived in me. I could have conversations with characters and knew what the weather would be each day that I worked in there.
Something happened though. I'll explain it in the next Need. It obliterated my writing. It ruined my understanding of art. I lost my passion for it. I still love it, desperately, but the passion isn't there. It's the difference between having a relationship with an excellent sex life, and a relationship where you stare at the ceiling and hate every minute.
My writing falls slat. I have to work to see the world, to understand the people in it, to figure out how the story falls. The words don't pour, they crumble. One page a week is a lot these days, usually it's less than that. My love of art is simplified down to "I like looking at it, but I don't understand it, and I'll paint when I'm bored." which for me is horrible.
I need my passsion back. Please, please help me.
Need #3. Faith.
And here is the one I have the most trouble with. I've tried fixing it so many times. Sometimes I think it's fixed, and then it comes back, with interest. When it comes back, it knocks me out. I freak out, I have panic attacks, I have episodes, everything falls into doom and gloom and utter hell. Every time I even think about fixing it I get this hellish feeling in my belly that it's going to go wrong again, and it'll hurt.
This isn't religious faith, it's faith in myself. Like I said above, I used to be a really creative, passionate, bright person. People started breaking me down. Eventually I was being told things like "You used to be really clever, what happened?" and told I would never amount to anything. At the time I told myself it wasn't getting through and they were just being horrible, but it did get through. It took until after failing every class in highschool for three years straight, dropping out, and then failing two more TAFE (like mini-college) courses for me to realise actual damage had been done. I wasn't failing because I didn't do the work. I failed because I did the work, and then never handed it in. I was too afraid to. My mother calls it a fear of failure, but it's not, it's something... else. A fear of people being proven right, perhaps.
Being at uni has helped a little. I actually submit the work now, and sometimes I get good marks, but the damage is still there. I'm convinced I'm stupid. I can pretend that I think I'm not (like now, I'm writing this, so I must think something different, right? Right?) but all the while I still think that I'm just... fooling people into thinking I'm smart. Or at least, a little brighter than your average rabbit.
This bleeds into everything. I don't want to give advice, because it's probably wrong. Someone will know better. I don't want to speak up, because I've probably got the wrong idea, and will humiliate myself. I don't want to practice magic, because I've not got the knowledge to do it right, and I can't retain anything I research.
Catch my drift? I know I'm smart enough to see something is wrong in there. I know what I used to be, but even as I'm typing this, I'm thinking it's just because I reached my full potential, and I'm duller than a sphere.
I need to fix this issue, or I will remain duller than a sphere. I need to know I am good enough, smart enough, able enough to be who I think I should be, instead of what I am.
So there you go. Sorry about the essay of "me me me".... But you asked for it. <3
We did ask for it! And we appreciate you sharing.
Man, I have lots of lovely projects to work on. I hope no one minds it taking a little while. :)
We did ask for it! And we appreciate you sharing.
Man, I have lots of lovely projects to work on. I hope no one minds it taking a little while.
Okay, Nellykins. Reading time. Now, I'm going to be brutally honest with you - #3 is the source of #1 & #2. So, let's take a look at that ugly hobgoblin that is self-doubt.
Past: King of Cups, Inverse. Ol' King of Cups is an artist, he's a priest and he's a bachelor. Inverted, however, he represents scandal, cold-heartedness and flat-out abuse. Notice the transition that happens, right: right-side up, he's a creature of confidence and self-sufficiency. Inverse, he lashes out. In your past, my dear, that ugliness you note from schooling has a lot to do with this lashing out. "Oh, they're just jealous" is such a cliche thing to tell someone who is being hurt by other people, but in this case, it's very, very true. Those who could not accomplish for themselves - and who saw in you the potential to do just that for yourself - would rather believe that everyone sucks than to embrace a world where there are people better than them. So, they make sure you get pulled down to their level.
Present: Ten of Swords. Tragedy and grief, is the Ten of Swords. Moreover, it's the one sword in the deck that usually does indicate physical death of some kind. Now, I do know that you had a very recent, grief-inducing encounter with mortality, so it's tempting to note that occurrence here (and I honestly think it does apply).
But what does Nan's death have to do with this issue you're facing? The experiences you describe from earlier in life sound an awful lot like someone died; that is, the you that the others were jealous of, and killed, with words if not blood. This is a death, hun, and one of the cruelest deaths we can face: the Death of Self. It's one of the cruelest, because we're almost never permitted to grieve it. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself," we're told. We just need to get over it, they say. So, we shove it down, because it's not permitted.
The problem with stored grief is that when you encounter grief again in the future, it will do one of two things: it will either pull that new grief in with it, so that you don't fully experience it before it's shoved down alongside the original grief; or it comes popping out like a champagne cork, overwhelming you when it feels like you're "making too big of a deal" out of the current grief.
The grief you're feeling right now is what is making you aware of the issues you list above right now. You're vulnerable, and the gate is open a little. You may have even felt like, on some level, Nan saw the Capable-You that you feel like got shredded long ago.
Future: Eight of Pentacles. Oh, but all is not lost. There is potential for great movement here. This is the card of industrious, inspired, creative work - work that benefits soul and pocketbook alike! :) This is about action, and most especially the achievement of goals.
For now, let me know if I'm totally off-base here, or if that sounds good, and whatever else feedback you may have. We'll move forward from there.
That sounds pretty damn exact, actually. Surprisingly so. I haven't had so on-the-dot a reading before. Especially the part about Nan seeing capable-me, she supported me and saw me as a worthwhile human being the moment she met me, which was one of the things that upset me the most when she died. That and she called me Lulu, but that's beside the point. >.>
*Hugs* Thankyou for the reading. The past and present were pretty exact. Hopefully that means the future is too.
Ach! Was too late to edit my post - so I deleted it and here I repost it, with proper editing. :(
Nel, I'd like to share a trick on two, that you might want to try once you are ready to work on reclaiming your passion in creativity...
First, I just remembered a very simple spell designed to beat writer's block - which can also be adapted to painter's block, or, more generally, to creator's block. ;)
Extend your arms on each side, cross-fashion, with closed first and thumbs sticking up, as if you were hitch-hiking.
Now look at your right thumb if you're right-handed, your left thumb if you're left-handed, and say: "I cannot write anymore". Mean it, eh.
Then, face your other thumb and say: "I can write anything at any time."
Then, repeat the process two other times, for a total of three times each side.
And now, look forward, keep your eyes open, and make sure you can see your thumbs in your peripheral vision. Breathe, and as you exhale, quickly cross your arms in front of you, thumbs still up, so that now the right thumb is on the left, and the left is on the right.
(And now, the intellectual honesty part: this is a spell by Therese Francis, taken from Spell-A-Day Almanac 2003)
The idea of that is to invert the energies, so to speak, so you're writing hand get the good energy of "I can write anything..." I've used it succesfully, so I hope it can work for you too! And you can adapt it with any other art, just by changing the verb. :)
Second, I have bought a couple of eBooks about writing in the past, and they have allowed me to finally be able to write novels without giving up after 20 pages - who knows, maybe it can get you back on track, too. They're not too expensive, and well worth it (in other words, it's not one of those scams where the author tries to make a quick buck by selling you shallow stuff.)
One of them is actually given for free, here is the link:http://shop.hollylisle.com/index.php?crn=&rn=362&action=sho...
Okay. Having put some thought into this, darlin', there's a few things.
1. Allow Yourself to Mourn. Please do this for yourself, and for those who deserve to be mourned. So often, we try and fight off scary, vulnerability-inducing emotions like grief, but they're good for us. This is grief for what you've been through, for who you used to be, and for those who've passed on.
2. It's Time to Build an Ancestral Altar. You've known this time is coming, even if it wasn't consciously. There are lovely familial spirits just waiting for a proper place in your home or other sacred space (like the garden), and they deserve it. These spirits who have gone through tremendous transformation are the best mentors we can have in going through our own transformations, and it's time to accept them. Exactly what that altar looks like is up to you, what it's used for is up to you, but if you'd like some advice or ideas, ping me. We'll discuss it.
3. Spiritual Bath. I want you to take a spiritual bath. Take a handful of eucalyptus leaves (used in conjure for getting rid of inclinations and forces detrimental to us, and in "Cast Off Evil" type curiors) and boil them in a gallon of water. Let the water reduce down to half its volume, and then throw in two cupped hands of salt. Let this cool, and then use this for spiritual bathing. I'll send you the full instructions for taking spiritual baths in the conjure tradition.
Gah. Sorry everyone, I'm currently having issues with the net. Our internet only lets us access facebook when we have no credit, and right now I'm borrowing my mother-in-laws laptop. ><" But, I'm here now.
Thankyou all of you for all this help. <3 Working on it now. I greatly appreciate everything. ^^
Oaky, yes, the instructions came through. I'm saving them to my usb so I can read them when I'm not using V's net.<3 Thankyouuu.
(I'll post a proper response when I have our net working properly again. Sorries!)