[Basic Needs] Julica's Needs

I've been meaning to get on this for a while, but a conversation with my Brother In Law really spurred me to do so.

I don't know that I actually can come up with 3 separate needs, but perhaps someone else could break it down to 3 needs? I only have one, and it's a really big one.

The greater majority of you know The basics from Beorc's life story blog post. Some of you have seen a somewhat similar post from me, but I haven't shared it around much. In essence, I've had one messed up life and it plagues me horribly. I thought I was doing better and moving on, but the conversation I mentioned previously kinda showed me I hadn't at all.

I can't seem to move past the year 2008-2009, and even further back, Mentally.

I have many people trying to be friends with me... one in particular who has put quite plainly that she considers me to be her best friend, and I do love her dearly... but I just can't accept her as my best friend. My best friend is back in Missouri. We hardly speak at all and I'm not sure how to go about fixing that. I feel like I am betraying her by moving on.

I can't explain this very well, but when socializing is going on, I almost feel like I don't have permission to join in. This isn't the group of people I am used to. Yes, some of them are there, but I want MY people. The ones I left back in Missouri. I want MY place, I want things done the way they were then. I miss all the people, how everyone used to come pile into our itty bitty house. We were far from comfortable, but there was something in the air that just made it so.

I saw a bruise on my back, and it's no mystery as to how I got it but I had a flash back of seeing my younger brother's back, after my older brother (whom I have disowned) shoved his face into the couch and beat him mercilessly. His back was black and blue and mottled colors from neck to waist.

I covered for my older brother after he did it. I don't know why I did. I covered for him every time he beat me too. Orion asked me what his back looked like and I was horrified. It was terrible. But I told him he was exaggerating and it looked fine. He had to know I was lying. Even now... I'm not really sure that doing anything different would have helped. Tell my parents and invite more abuse? it was a nightmare.

I can't hold a NEW conversation. I can revisit an old one, but to try to have a new one... I can't focus, I can't think, I have nothing to say, I lose interest and I get stuck on me. Me Me Me. I pop out with random stupid self referencing, whiny remarks that have nothing to do with what's being talked about. When I realize what I am doing, I get embarrassed and shut up and try... try try try sooo hard to focus enough to follow what's being talked about but I truly do not care. I want to care. I USED to care. But I don't think I could care less.

I'm not happy. I'm terrified to walk out the door. I have been doing it, which is part of what made me think I was doing better, but I see people, and I freeze up. What do I do? What do I say? How on earth do I interact with this person. I end up ignoring them and pretending they don't exist because I'm not sure what else TO do. People probably think I am pretty stuck up. If someone addresses me, I can generally fake my way through it... lalala yes yes, happy happy, ok, now gtfo of my life and let me move on with my day.

Move on to WHAT? What have I to do that is so important? I have nowhere to be. No friends to meet up with, no pressing appointments to go to.

It's hard to start a book a move, a video game, a project, a conversation, anything. I can read an old series, or a trashy romance novel... but anything more takes a LOT of work. I feel like I am waiting for something. I have no idea what. Give me a deadline, and I can meet it. I can follow step by step directions, even those laid out by myself at times, but I can't seem to do anything spur of the moment. To do a simple housework task, I have to lay it out in steps. I have to work hard to remember what I was doing. I have to keep reminding myself "I am cleaning the KITCHEN... I need to do this to clean the KITCHEN. This is what I am doing, this is now.

I used to be the perfect hostess. I try to make the effort now and it's just... why bother? Why do I not care? It's too much work NOW, but it never USED to be. I don't know what's wrong with me... I don't know how to fix it. But I don't like it.

I have been trying to find counseling covered by our medical, but I haven't had much luck. No one is returning my calls and I'm rather limited in who I can choose from. I need to address the spiritual side of this too. I used to be so much stronger... I have had moments where I suddenly pick up things like I used to. certain people that I haven't associated with much can hit that click point, but I can't under pressure, I can't mentally reach people like I used to. I can't sort them out and focus on single people. It's this buzzing in my head that isn't even audible, but it's a mental, overwhelming, white noise.

I need ME back. I feel this is all tied into being able to move on. I HAVE to let go and live in today.

Tags: Julica, Needs

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on July 6, 2011 at 7:31

Thank you for sharing this with us, Jules. It sounds like something that is very difficult to deal with, and we appreciate the vulnerability of your taking us into your confidence this way.

I'll touch on this when I get home today.

Permalink Reply by Leisha on July 6, 2011 at 9:08

Trying to break it down into three specific items to work on, here's what I'm seeing:

1. Needs help cleansing and releasing negative energies from the past--memories, guilt, behaviors, etc.

2. Needs help finding resources/direction for happiness in the present and future--safe activities, counseling, social interaction, spiritual development, etc.

3. Needs help establishing the present living location with the "home vibe".

Permalink Reply by Julica on July 6, 2011 at 12:16

I think that breaks it down rather well, Thanks :)

Leisha #NeedsANewHashtag said:

Trying to break it down into three specific items to work on, here's what I'm seeing:

1. Needs help cleansing and releasing negative energies from the past--memories, guilt, behaviors, etc.

2. Needs help finding resources/direction for happiness in the present and future--safe activities, counseling, social interaction, spiritual development, etc.

3. Needs help establishing the present living location with the "home vibe".

Permalink Reply by Julica on July 6, 2011 at 12:18

I look forward to your input on the matter. I REALLY appreciate it. I think the Basic Needs series was a really great idea.

Oakthorne said:

Thank you for sharing this with us, Jules. It sounds like something that is very difficult to deal with, and we appreciate the vulnerability of your taking us into your confidence this way.

I'll touch on this when I get home today.

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on July 9, 2011 at 1:55

My pleasure, hun. As with the others, I'm going to start with a reading, and move forward from there, yeah?

Past: Ten of Pentacles, Inverse. This is the card of familial quarrels and arguments, many often caused by money problems or other financial concerns. There is a stress here in the past, surrounding money issues or tradition/sense of propriety, that has taken its toll on relationships with family.

Present: Seven of Wands, Inverse. This is the card of discouragement and anxiety, of doubt and seeming isolation. You feel rather alone, like you have to - on some level - struggle on your own with the struggles that haunt you. With this also comes the desire to simply give it up. Why bother?

Future: The Emperor, Inverse. Beware this card. This is the card of dominance and tyrrany, and also of abuse of some kind, motivated by a need to control.

I'm not going to screw around here - this is a dismal reading. But part of the point of these sorts of readings is to lay everything bare so that we can treat the root cause (pun mostly unintended), rather than just symptoms.

I have a VERY strong suspicion that part of this is about your personal power - you've had it stripped from you by the things you've been through. When we are forced to lie (especially for propriety's sake) and not be our genuine selves for fear, our power withers within us. It's the core of what we need to accomplish so much, so that it all looks like separate issues, but is really a single core.

Give this a read-through. If this sounds like we're on the right track, we'll look at the next step and go from there. Sound like a plan?

Permalink Reply by Julica on July 10, 2011 at 15:05

Alright. I'm going to try this again...

The reading seems pretty accurate and kinda told me I was on the wrong track for how I addressed some of these issues, but I'll get to that and instead break it down card by card.

Past: Money issues were definitely the root of many of our issues in the past. Brandon was forced many times to quit stable jobs that he was about to receive promotions in, in order to work for 'the family business'. Things were just made too difficult for living to be possible otherwise. We hadn't the money to move elsewhere, and with threats of losing road access (our field flooded often so we couldn't drive across to our house), access to clean water for our children, power, and being cut off from family, there was little choice but to go along. Of course many assurances that all would be better than the past and we'd be making more... well, they never followed through and oftentimes free labor was expected. When Brandon WAS working, there was much extortion in the same manner. We had to pay more than our share of power costs, a road tax, more or less, and pretty much anything that could be thought up. We were pretty much kept low through controlling our funds.

Present: Pretty much every day has some rock bottom point for me. I can keep up the energy, feel encouraged, keep motivating myself but at some point, it will all come crashing down. I feel like my whining and constant complaining has taken it's toll on friendships and I really have burnt up all my privilege to do so. I spend my day, at home, with 5 kids. Very few people understand what life is like with an autistic child. Just one would tax a persons patience. 2 is pushing it. Just my issues from the past would make life hard for a person. I really think to try to burden others with this is a lot more than they can handle, and I hate pity. I loathe it. I want a real human conversation. About real human things. When I am frustrated and vent, I don't want people to just be all "Awww, poor you, you poor thing." No, I'm NOT a poor thing. I am proud of my achievements, even if they aren't the norm. I'm proud to be a survivor. I have that inner strength that you only build by being hardened in the fires of adversity. I may break constantly, but afterwards, I pick up the pieces and I get back to it. I WANT to talk to people... but nobody is really interested in hearing talk of my kids always, and I haven't much else to talk about. I don't have much time to experience things outside of this. I have no idea what movies are coming out, what the latest fashions are, who's dating who in the celebrity world, I very rarely have any idea of political squabbles, what sports teams are leading... and I didn't do anything last weekend. On outings, I am busy with the kids. I really don't have a lot of social interactions beyond the internet. Yes, it does get rather lonely.

Future: The card makes perfect sense, actually. I have a great difficulty with making decisions, self direction, and the like. Brandon does not. I have really been pushing him for a D/s type relationship. I feel that this card is warning me against that. I had hoped that perhaps not having to navigate certain parts of life would help me to focus on others. I also hoped that the control issues would help me revisit the past in a safe way to work through those issues. To me, this is a warning to avoid such. Unfortunately, it has been the cause of flashbacks and more stress. I thought perhaps that was just me working through the issues.

In any case. I would say your reading was spot on. I appreciate you taking the time to do it, and it seems to me you have a better sense of direction on this than I do. So, next step? I'm open to input from anyone on this.

Oakthorne said:

My pleasure, hun. As with the others, I'm going to start with a reading, and move forward from there, yeah?

Past: Ten of Pentacles, Inverse. This is the card of familial quarrels and arguments, many often caused by money problems or other financial concerns. There is a stress here in the past, surrounding money issues or tradition/sense of propriety, that has taken its toll on relationships with family.

Present: Seven of Wands, Inverse. This is the card of discouragement and anxiety, of doubt and seeming isolation. You feel rather alone, like you have to - on some level - struggle on your own with the struggles that haunt you. With this also comes the desire to simply give it up. Why bother?

Future: The Emperor, Inverse. Beware this card. This is the card of dominance and tyrrany, and also of abuse of some kind, motivated by a need to control.

I'm not going to screw around here - this is a dismal reading. But part of the point of these sorts of readings is to lay everything bare so that we can treat the root cause (pun mostly unintended), rather than just symptoms.

I have a VERY strong suspicion that part of this is about your personal power - you've had it stripped from you by the things you've been through. When we are forced to lie (especially for propriety's sake) and not be our genuine selves for fear, our power withers within us. It's the core of what we need to accomplish so much, so that it all looks like separate issues, but is really a single core.

Give this a read-through. If this sounds like we're on the right track, we'll look at the next step and go from there. Sound like a plan?

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on July 10, 2011 at 15:13

Alright. So, first and foremost, you're going to need to get clear from your past, I think. I would heartily recommend a Cut & Clear trick. I just wrote one up for Elise (found here), and I'm pretty sure it can be used just about verbatim.

The trick itself is about separating yourself from the bad crap in your past, while keeping hold of the good things, and ending up with a strong, symbolic reminder of your personal power in this. Do make sure to do the Spiritual Bath advice, too, which is found on the first page of that thread.

I'm going to recommend that you do that, first. Once you've done that, and sat with the token of your power for a while, let me know how things are, and we'll either build on that success, or if it didn't work so well, we'll approach it from another direction.

Sound good?

Permalink Reply by Julica on July 13, 2011 at 13:56

It's going to take me a little while to get the stuff together for this, I think. But I am def going to give it a whirl. It's a lot more indepth and complex than anything I have ever done before. I usually stick to basics and simple meditations... when I do anything at all >_>

I'm wondering how much this will be affected by my inability to sense things, and my lack of... spiritual strength at the moment. There was a time when I languished in the tides... and now, it's nothing. Should I just go forward with it as though there wasn't a problem, and trust it to sort itself out?

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on July 13, 2011 at 14:02

Yes, especially with conjure.

One of the concepts behind conjure is the fact that the physical items you are using don't symbolize magical things - they ARE magical things. And it's less about your personal power or even belief, and much more about the mojo in those things.

It's also about the mojo between yourself and the root-doctor who prescribed the Work, too. There is an understood relationship between those two (in this case, between you and I), and by prescribing this, I am also lending some of my own mojo to the work at hand. So, don't worry. I got your back. ;)

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on August 14, 2011 at 1:37

Hey, darlin'. Just wanted to touch base with you (how has it been a month already?!) about all of this, and see what sort of place you are in. Have you gotten the chance to do any work with this yet? I don't like to leave things undone, so just let me know if you're content with where things are at currently, or if you'd like us to continue to work on it. I'm good either way. :)