[Basic Needs] Elise's Needs
OK, my turn. *oh dear* One of my needs is a touchy subject matter, but a need is a need. And as usual, when I talk of potentially painful things, I get into a strange style of writing mode... Here I go.
1) Healing my sexuality. This is a difficult one to share, and to address, but there you have it. I have both vestibulitis and vaginism. The first is an inflammation of the vagina entrance, which makes intercourse *painful* (as in, getting a tattoo hurts less than sex. For real. I do have a tattoo.) and near impossible to go through. Vaginism is a psychological reaction to said pain, where the vagina contracts, effectively closing it off.
I've had those two for most of my adolescence and adult life, and inflamation in there can be traced back to babyhood.
The problem I have is that I DO NOT have access to a doctor here, let alone a specialist. Plain and simple. I have to deal with this on my own. I have procured lodacaine to help with the pain, but I need some help in making my vagina at least stop inflamming so easily. I have already done a little something that seems to work, but I could use extra ideas and energy if you feel like adding some.
That condition has had consequences on my relationship with Korb – 13 years together this June – which turned into a mess for a while, which ran exactly parallel with my stint in Correllianism – and that leads me to point #2.
2) Fixing my shredded inner self. That one has taken quite a beating, on a spiritual level due to all the controversy I got involved with in CNT and the spiritual upheaval that resulted, and on an emotional level, with that aforementionned mess. I cling to my patron goddess, but that's all I can do, I can't even garner up enough... motivation?... to even do a devotional ritual once a month. Anything magic or spiritual that I do has the shadow of hurt lurking behind it and it stays my hand – or should I say my spirit – and despite my best efforts, I can't seem to figure out how to heal this for good. I don't mind if it leaves scars – but I do mind open wounds, and this one is stubborn and won't heal properly.
The emotional hurt from the relationship mess creates anger spurts and bouts of depression that make me destructive (self-destructive, or wanting to hurt people very badly). While I know to wait those out (aware that it's temporary, and does not reflect my true Me), I could use some help alleviating them enough so I can have an upper hand on them. (Again, no counseling available in my area, so I have to be self-sufficient here).
3) Get rid of fear/anxiety. I'm a scaredy-cat (is that the way you write it?). A change of plan makes me panic. I avoid new situations. I won't take risks. I'd rather not do anything than make a mistake doing something. If I do something right, I won't share it for fear of being judged, laughed at, demeaned, etc. I'm afraid of taking responsibilities. It puts me in a rut and I know it, but I'm even afraid of getting out of said rut – it's the devil I know. And I know that is indecently hindering me.
Now, I'm open to ideas, and to people wanting to work on it, or both. And I'm willing to share more info should you need it, too, on the thread if it's general, or through email if it's personal like my full name. :)
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on -
First, let me thank you for your bravery in presenting us with these things. We're strangers here, and you're showing us a tremendous amount of courage and trust in asking for our help with all of these things. I'd love to help with the ones I think I might be able to do something with.
Let me do some research, and get started. I'd like to start with Number 2, as once we can get past that, we can get you back to doing some Work for yourself, too.
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Permalink Reply by Elise on
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Oak, you just made me feel fuzzy inside - and thus, made my day. Thank you! :)
Oakthorne said:First, let me thank you for your bravery in presenting us with these things. We're strangers here, and you're showing us a tremendous amount of courage and trust in asking for our help with all of these things. I'd love to help with the ones I think I might be able to do something with.
Let me do some research, and get started. I'd like to start with Number 2, as once we can get past that, we can get you back to doing some Work for yourself, too.
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Permalink Reply by Strata on -
Elise, I can relate to number two on a profound level. If you have read my blog here. My blog about druids voting with there feet gives a glimpse into my experience. What I haven't told most, maybe only Shawn and Oak, is that I pretty much stopped *working* and began completely ignoring my spirituality. I was burnt and quiet honestly devastated. I began to question everything, but mostly myself. I lost faith in myself. I'm much better now, but I still have moments of doubt and fear and anger and pain.
I think I can help you *some,* give you ideas, from my experience. I'll post tomorrow when it's not so late. I also have some ideas for the other two, but I need to think a bit more. :)
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Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on
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A Reading (Elise Needs #2)
Okay. Since part of this exercise is about getting in there and getting some practice in conjure, I'm going to do this the "proper way." I'm starting with a bit of divination to clarify the topic a bit better. So, I'm using a three-card spread - Past, Present & Future of the Issue - using the Rider-Waite deck.
Queen of Cups: In the Past is the Queen of Cups. It's very clear that before all this happened, you were very much in touch with your emotions. Not just in touch of them, but they were actively a source of strength for you - note that the Queen of Cups' royal regalia is a cup, the symbol of the emotions. This is one of the reasons why this is as bad as it is: you aren't just "feeling bad," but you've had the very seat of your power assaulted and decimated. Your trust in your intuition and the emotional bonds you feel with people have taken a beating.
Empress, Inverse: In the Presence, the Empress inverse warns us of that woman of power whose power has been rendered infertile. There is loss and insecurity in the present here, and with that comes a loss of the power of the Empress who is Quintessential Woman. This, as a result, echoes back to some of the issues you're dealing with in feeling powerless that stem from the sexual and relationship issues you face as well.
4 of Wands, Inverse: The Four of Wands gives us a warning. It represents an excess of celebration, but achieving only stagnation. It comes from a place of insecurity, and provides no joy. So, we'll be doing some Work, but unlike what I previously thought, we're not out to get you up and working the Craft immediately. This card indicates that you're going to need some actual time without those things. Give yourself time to heal and recuperate - a journey I know all too well. I couldn't get up and walk around immediately after my surgery, but had lie on my back for a good long time before I was up to that, no matter how much angst I was feeling about not being ambulatory. In the same way, you're going to need to give your magical and spiritual endeavors a little time to heal back up. So, we'll work in that direction first and foremost, I think. :)
Summation: We are really looking at the fact that you've had the core of your power stripped and shredded. You're a person who takes great capability from your intuition and the strengths of your relationships with others, and you feel like you can't trust those things anymore. The hurt of betrayal from those you not just trusted, but actively defended in the public eye is bad enough, but you're also beating yourself up for not seeing what kind of people they actually are, calling into question your intuition and sense of understanding people.
So, our work, then will be about finding your Power once more - not your magical or spiritual power, but the Power that lies at the core of Elise, the provides your basic energetic nourishment to your sense of self. This is your Will we're talking about, darlin', and you've had it thieved from you something ugly.
A Prescription (Elise Needs #2)
A Spiritual Bath
First things first, I'm going to suggest a spiritual bath. I feel that you need to be cleansed and renewed before undertaking the rest of this work. A hyssop bath is best; you can either get a hyssop bath from a rootworking source, or you can boil up a handful of it in a pot of water, bringing it to a boil and letting it cool some before pouring it into a bowl or basin and taking it to your tub. If you're using an already-prepared bath, just dissolve it into a large bowl or basin of warm water (as hot as you can stand it). This kind of bath is not a "sit in the tub" sort of bath.
Take this bath just before dawn. Anoint two white candles with a Blessing, Purification or Healing Oil, and place them on either side of the tub you step out of, or on the floor where you'd step out of. The goal is to set this candles up so that you'll step between them.
Light those candles, and step into the tub with the bowl of bath. With a cup or mug, dip some of it out, and leave the bowl at your feet. Pour it over yourself from head to toe (you don't have to get your head wet if you prefer not to, but at least cup some in your hands and wash your face if nothing else). Allow this water to fall back into the basin. Do this nine times, each time saying a prayer; the 51st Psalm is usually used here.
Please note that this herb and the Psalm suggested above are both used to absolve oneself of sin and wrong-doing. Do I think you have done wrong? Absolutely not. But the reading tells me that you've taken part of the blame for yourself, allowing what you perceive to be a lack on your part to undermine your power. So, this is about cleansing and forgiveness, because that's what the spirit wants - no matter what the head thinks is logical. So, purify with hyssop, nine times, saying your prayer as you pour the water over yourself from head to toe.
Then, "X yourself off," as they say in conjure. That is, cross your arms (almost in the God/Osiris position) and then run them down your body, like a squeegee, uncrossing them as you do so. Do this once for each time you doused yourself, and each time saying: "I am washed and cleansed, driven pure and holy."
Then, close your eyes and pray, thanking your God/s for the cleansing and purification.
Do this entire bath before dawn, and when you're done, step through between the candles. Understand as you do so that you are stepping through a gateway into the new experience in your life. You are leaving all that old crap behind in the bath water.
Allow yourself to air-dry (don't towel off the good stuff!), and when you've done so, gather up the basin or bowl of water and go throw it outside toward the West. When you do so, spin immediately on your heel and march away, and don't look back.
Do this bath a minimum of three times, one after the other. If you feel more is needed, then do it an odd number of times total (preferably five or nine).
Cut & Clear
Now, while you work on that, I'm going to do a little research and put together a good and proper Cut & Clear trick for you to work after you're all done with the baths, so truly sever all those old experiences, while keeping the good stuff that came of them. More on that later, though. :)
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Permalink Reply by Alorer Stefanos (The Gecko) on -
Thanks for sharing this with us Elise. It takes a lot of strength and trust to do so and I feel honoured to deserve it. :)
Now, concerning your needs and what I can do/advise: I think I feel comfortable only with No 3 because I can really, really relate to it. I'll try and shape my thoughts in a coherent, helpful manner and reply as soon as possible. :)
Take care!
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Permalink Reply by Elise on
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Thank you for this :)
That tarot reading is frightefully accurate, enough that reading it made my eyes sting - a good sign :)
Now, I have three questions:
1) You mention to use hyssop... But I have a grand total of two tablespoon of it, with nowhere near to purchase more, and with Canada Posts on strike/lockout, getting more is anywhere between insanely tricky to downright impossible. So. Can I substitute for another herb? (and tweak that psalm's verse about hyssop accordingly) I was thinking bay, maybe... If it's better to not substitute, I'll order some hyssop bath, but that will have to wait until the mail goes around again here.
2) Is there a specific auspicious time for this? (If there's not, it can happen very much this week, see, if I can use something else than hyssop...)
3) I totally agree with the needed rest, and so accordingly... Should I refrain from doing workings for this Needs activity? (I'm asking because I already have committed to help you, and was planning to do a little something for everyone who posts...)
Oakthorne said:A Reading (Elise Needs #2)
Okay. Since part of this exercise is about getting in there and getting some practice in conjure, I'm going to do this the "proper way." I'm starting with a bit of divination to clarify the topic a bit better. So, I'm using a three-card spread - Past, Present & Future of the Issue - using the Rider-Waite deck.
(and etc........) -
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Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on
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1. Just use a little hyssop, honestly. Instead of the tea-bath thing, mix a cup each of epsom salts and regular salt. This will give you two cups of "bath salts." A half-cup of bath salts should do you well for a single bath. To the half-cup amount, add nine drops of a good purification oil, and a good pinch of the hyssop you do have. Mix, and voila. (Apologies for non-metric measurements there :D )
2. Waning Moon will work best.
3. This one, I'll leave up to you. If you're forcing yourself to do something, then you probably shouldn't. But if you're inspired and really would like to, then that's probably a good enough sign. Trust your intuition in this regard.
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Permalink Reply by Elise on
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Duly read and registered :)
Oakthorne said:
1. Just use a little hyssop, honestly. Instead of the tea-bath thing, mix a cup each of epsom salts and regular salt. This will give you two cups of "bath salts." A half-cup of bath salts should do you well for a single bath. To the half-cup amount, add nine drops of a good purification oil, and a good pinch of the hyssop you do have. Mix, and voila. (Apologies for non-metric measurements there :D )
2. Waning Moon will work best.
3. This one, I'll leave up to you. If you're forcing yourself to do something, then you probably shouldn't. But if you're inspired and really would like to, then that's probably a good enough sign. Trust your intuition in this regard.
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Permalink Reply by Elise on
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I just want to add a big thank you to you all, I appreciate every single reply, intent, etc., those already on, and those to come as well. :)
I feel incredibly awed and honored for the help you're offering - I'll be honest, it stuns me, and in a good way, to have people understanding me and willing to help.
Again, you have my thanks and gratitude... and my trust, indeed. :)
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Permalink Reply by Shawn on -
Hi Elise,
Out of curiousity, where are you that you're so far from a doctor? I'm not sure how Quebec is, but here (BC) if you're not by a specialist, the government pays for you to get to one, including the trip and hotel, etc. Is that an option, for you?
I'd like to tackle number 3, specifically, because it's something that I think I can address...
For the fear and anxiety.. have you tried daily affirmations? And by that, i mean something that I read about a LONG time ago, but that I know for a fact works: The magic of believing... Self hypnosis, etc.
Every. Single. Day: Stand in front of the mirror, first thing in the morning. Stare at yourself, right in the eyes. Tell yourself how you want to be.. Not in "I want to be..." but say, "I am..."
Say to yourself, something like, "I am in charge of my life. I calmly and easily deal with challenges and changes coming at me. I am allowed to make mistakes, because I take care of the consequences responsibly and actively, and clean up after myself. Nobody has the ability to judge me, because I own my life and make my own way through the world. Each day, I am a strong and powerful woman, and people recognize this just as I do." Basically speak the truth, and by speaking it you will cause it to manifest.
Say this every morning. Out loud. Hear yourself say it, with conviction and a strong voice. Do it every single day.
You could do this after a bath or shower, charging yoruself for the day after washing away your doubts and negativity as well.
To strengthen this, you could also create a sigil with your power phrase, burn it into your mind, and then either use it on things, or destroy it so that it remains only in your subconscious.
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Permalink Reply by Strata on
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Elise, here is the blog post I promised you! :)
Yarn Dollies as Poppets
http://hoodooyoudoo.blogspot.com/2011/06/yarn-dollies-as-poppets.html
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Permalink Reply by Elise on
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Thank for the affirmation trick, Shawn. I'm definitely going to work on this. :))
As for the doctor: I'm in Abitibi-Témiscamingue; in Rouyn-Noranda, precisely. Now, over here, you cannot see a specialist AT ALL unless a family doctor refers you - or you can try and go through the emergency room to get to a specialist, BUT they will send you home if you are not in "danger for your health" so to speak. What I have is not life-threatening, not even health-threatening per se, (until I go crazy, that is - then I'd qualify for the ward...) and it's a condition that only a gynecologist will know about. That being said, I have seen a gyneco some 9 years ago, and he dismissed the condition as "in my head." Something that occurs more often than not with vestibulitis and vaginism. *sigh* And here, well, we've had the same two gynecos for decades... And since we have them here, I won't get a pass to I go to look elsewhere... They wouldn't take me anyway, since I'd need a physician's pink recommendation slip.
Now to get a family doctor, you gotta be sick. SICK. Because there's not enough doctors here to cover all the population (or so they say. Anyway, they don't want to take patient.). I've seen a woman with brain cancer being refused a family doctor and she had to go find one elsewhere, and in the meantime she had to go to the ER to have access to chimio. I'm not kidding. My grand-mother has a heart condition and DOES NOT have a family doctor, because no one will take her. She has to have her prescriptions renewed at the emergency room.
Complicated, huh? Yes, this is happening in a G8 country. *roll eyes* I could go on. Even when you have a fam doctor, it can be 6-8 months before getting an appointment. They actually have waiting lists that are that long.
OK, I'm ranting. Time to stop. LOL And time to work on this affirmation. ;)
Shawn said:
Hi Elise,
Out of curiousity, where are you that you're so far from a doctor? I'm not sure how Quebec is, but here (BC) if you're not by a specialist, the government pays for you to get to one, including the trip and hotel, etc. Is that an option, for you?
I'd like to tackle number 3, specifically, because it's something that I think I can address...
For the fear and anxiety.. have you tried daily affirmations? And by that, i mean something that I read about a LONG time ago, but that I know for a fact works: The magic of believing... Self hypnosis, etc.
Every. Single. Day: Stand in front of the mirror, first thing in the morning. Stare at yourself, right in the eyes. Tell yourself how you want to be.. Not in "I want to be..." but say, "I am..."
Say to yourself, something like, "I am in charge of my life. I calmly and easily deal with challenges and changes coming at me. I am allowed to make mistakes, because I take care of the consequences responsibly and actively, and clean up after myself. Nobody has the ability to judge me, because I own my life and make my own way through the world. Each day, I am a strong and powerful woman, and people recognize this just as I do." Basically speak the truth, and by speaking it you will cause it to manifest.
Say this every morning. Out loud. Hear yourself say it, with conviction and a strong voice. Do it every single day.
You could do this after a bath or shower, charging yoruself for the day after washing away your doubts and negativity as well.
To strengthen this, you could also create a sigil with your power phrase, burn it into your mind, and then either use it on things, or destroy it so that it remains only in your subconscious.
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