[basic needs] Beorc's Needs

These sorts of things are difficult for me to pot, because I internalize everything and put it to the firing pit. I take the ore of my being and blast it down into the pig iron of my soul, then forge it into the steel of Myself. All of this is done internally, with little, if any, external input. So here goes... what I can sense of it, at least...

Compassion.

I lack this... I know I do. I find connection to the very oddest of things... when I was thirteen, my little sister, who was three at the time, had a balloon she was playing with, and it slipped from her hand and floated away. She looked up at it, mournfully, and just reached for it with both hands, the way a child reaches for a teddy bear or a hug. This literally reduced me to tears, when she didn't even so much as audibly fuss. She found something new to play with almost instantly, and forgot about the silly little balloon. I hold that memory to this day.

Yet, I hear of hardship, I hear of people going through turmoil, I hear of people having very, very hard times or going through grief... and, 99% of the time, I... just don't care. It's not out of spite or arrogance, it's not because of any malice, it's just that I do not care. This sort of thing makes me difficult to connect with on a personal level. I have a very strong "So? Get the f*** over it. What are your other options, hmm?" vibe, and, try as I might, I can't seem to kick it. Any suggestions would be hot.
Stagnation

I feel SO stagnant in my practice right now... I've hit a roadblock in my experiments, and I can't seem to find a way around it, so I just... sit, and try my same old methods for breaking through it. I'm tired of nto being able to focus on my spirituality, when it is so very, very important to me. I KNOW what I want to do, it's just... DOING it that has become the issue. I know WHAT I want... I just don't know HOW. And I know I can figure out the how, just as I have every other time in my pagan life, but I can't focus on it well enough to really grasp it. My focus is geared almost entirely to my job at this point, and it's taking up more and more of my time, even away from work or work related activities.

And it's not just my work and spiritual life, either. I TRY to do new things, I TRY to take new directions, in almost every aspect of my life... thought, friends, dress, sex, speech, everything. I keep slipping back into what I am, what I like, and what I am used to... and that feels dated, and it feels like it is uninteresting, not only to myself, but to those that I deal with in those aspects. I'm not trying to figure out... do i need to change myself? do I need to realign? Or do I need to quell the feelings of stagnation, and accept that I am what I am, and nothing (Not even a Saturn Return LEISHA!!!!! [:P]) can or needs to change it? This will put quite a few associations and relationships on ice...
My Temper

I lost it some time ago, and it hasn't been back since. I can fake it really, really well... half the time I am furious. I am a boiling ball of hatred and rage that wants to destroy things and, due to some of the things in my past, I know that I am very, very capable of doing so. I ground, I center, I channel it away constructively, I take calming breaths, I practice breathing techniques... many of you will remember that not too long ago I even tried talking about the sources of it, to maybe gain closure and put it to rest that way... none of iy works. I don't sleep, I don't want to socialize, I don't want to interact, I am short tempered with the ones I treasure the most, and when conflict rears its head, be it a dragon or a lizard, I unleash the Wrath of the Gods™ upon whoever was unfortunate enough to catch me on a bad moment... which is almost constantly.

I've tried my runes, I've tried my incenses and candles and oils and herbs... it at most takes the edge off, then it's back with a vengeance, seemingly furious I made it chill out for a moment. I am starting to wonder if there is a demon inside of me, if, as I have joked in the past, I really am half devil.

Any help here would be hot. I've tried many things, and nothing helps for longer than temporarily. Counciling is more or less out of the question... I've been down the Therapy road before, and it always comes down to medication and chemicals. I am NOT down with that. If there are any other suggestion, I'm willing to try them.

Also, financial help, but that goes without saying, in this society.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on June 24, 2011 at 23:22

Heya. Thanks for contributing, Bran. :) Touching base with the cards, as I've been doing for others to start with.

Okay, well, after throwing some cards, I have no hesitation to say that you've got some Heavy Shit on your plate. In the past, you've got the Devil, Inverse; in the present, the Sun; and in the future, the Chariot. So, which issue is this about?

It's about all of them. Or more specifically, they all share a root (pun mostly not intended).

Past: The Devil, Inverse. The Devil is normally about chained by our vices - our passions, if you will. Inverse, it is really about doing the reverse: not being unchained ourselves, but turning around and chaining up our passions. The Devil inverse is about shame and regret, and someone usually holds that chain. At some point in the past, you needed to clamp down on some intuitive reaction, some emotional response that you weren't "allowed" to have for some reason. This reading is basically saying that all of these issues: the simmering anger, the lack of empathy and the sense of stagnation all spring from that. Identify that, and we'll be on the right road to working with it.

Present: The Sun. "But why now?" you might ask. The Sun tells us that this is a time of awakening, and of rejuvenation. This is a bright new dawn for you, my friend, and while your life has functioned just fine under the fetters you established in your past, you're finding yourself hitting the limits of your chain, as it were. Life is improving, and you should be experiencing certain things because of it, only that rigid, protective self-denial is keeping you from being fully immersed in it, and you know it, on some level. Of course, its making itself manifest as these "symptoms" you're seeing.

Future: The Chariot. Woohoo! :) This is forward motion, my friend, advancement - and aggressively so. This is, in many ways, the utter opposite of stagnation, and so is laid out before you as a good future. There is also a key to identifying what it is that is impacting you: it's something that, once it is resolved, is going to see that sense of stagnation positively melt away.

What I'd like for you to do now is to do some exploring. Do whatever it is you do to gain insight: talk to people. Dream some dreams. Cast some runes, throw some cards, utter some prayers. Whatever it is you do, you're going to need to get to the bottom of this before we can generate a plan of attack. Make sense?

Permalink Reply by Beorc Kano on June 24, 2011 at 23:30

It does make sense. Thank you, Oak. Insight is something that I generally look inward for... maybe some time around some leylines will help. I know where a few of those are, and, even if the whole leyline thing is BS, they are places I hold dear.

I'll see what I can do. Again, thank you.

PS: Your name (Oakthorne) was brought up in conversation tonight, about 2 1/2-3 hours ago. Positively, I assure you. Just thought I would let you know.

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on June 24, 2011 at 23:43

My pleasure. I look forward to continue moving forward with this.

And thanks! I thought my ears were burning'. ;) In all seriousness, though, it's nice to know I'm thought of occasionally. :D

Permalink Reply by Shawn on June 26, 2011 at 17:33

Beorc..

For the first and third of these... Have you ever thought about a psychologist/therapist? NOT a psychiatrist, but one of the people who you literally just talk to back and forth. Someone to bounce ideas off of? The psychiatrist is the one that's going to be all "Take this pill..." but a psychologist won't prescribe any drugs etc. I don't think you need them... but I think that you do have a lot of shit piled up inside that you need a proper sounding board for.

Now that being said... what about another way of dealing with that same issue?

It seems like an issue where you're out of balance, if that makes sense. From an alchemical standpoint (and qabalistic, fwiw.) I'm not sure how much you've done in terms of mediation etc, but the temper and lack of compassion/empathy, both seem like they could be caused from too much severity in your life, and not enough mercy. Too much to one side, so to speak.

Without going right into another system entirely (outer order GD, for example, is about balancing the alchemical aspects of your life,) have you considered some sort of conjure? Dealing with spirits, as it were, to balance the emotional aspect of your life. Something like an evocation of spirits that have to do with those aspects you wish to work on, and having them work on them for you.

This may also address the stagnation portion of your needs, since you would need to do a lot of research into a system of sorcery/conjure, that would allow you to address those psychological/emotional areas of your life, from an evocation standpoint.

I would strongly caution you that this isn't something you want to "mess around with," or do half-assed... you would need to really look into the how, and do what it is that you seem to enjoy: Develop your own system for dealing with this. It's not something that you can safely dabble in, though, you would need to do a lot of research and take all the proper precautions etc, before just diving in... but in this case, after taking those precautions, the doing may end up helping a lot.

Maybe it's time to get serious, evoke the demons, and deal with them, rather than do things to bury them or placate them.

Permalink Reply by Elise on June 26, 2011 at 20:57

I was thinking along the lines of "shadow-healing" or "soul retrieval", myself. It kinda falls into what Shawn is suggesting. :)

Permalink Reply by Beorc Kano on June 29, 2011 at 14:00

I have been giving a lot of thought to the issues, and I'll. Come back later tonight, after work, with a more substantial response.

Permalink Reply by Beorc Kano on June 30, 2011 at 1:15

To start with, I have acquired a Merkaba pendant out of Israel, silver, and hung it on a silver chain. It rests just above my bloodstone, in the hollow of my neck, between my collarbones. I was surprised to find that I have a 20 inch neck, as the 20 inch chain I bought barely does the job. The Merkaba is supposed to be a meditation aid. I'd try meditating right now, but there's more than a little stress in the air, what with Sierra screaming intermittently because she's angry, and Julica being irritable and peevish. Hard to focus when I'm feeling more brushed off than a freshly swept porch... which is in turn making me irritable as hell.

The concept of summoning my internal demons to deal with is very appealing... normally I don't work with conjure or summoning at all, as it's more or less against my "Spiritual Respect" creed, when applied to how to deal with other entities, but there may be some merit in this. I'd have to look into this, of course, and see what might be able to be done. I already have some methods in mind for how to deal with them, if this works out the way I am thinking about it, but, as you said, Shawn, I need to do much research first... Now, where to start...

As for therapy and the like... I've been to therapy in the past, spoken with psychologists, and they will all say what I already know, that I just need to let go of my past, drop the guilt and hatred, and move on from here, it wasn't my fault, so on and so forth. But, seriously, for those of you who have read my blog, how can you drop that sort of thing? How can I just let it all go? Could you? In my place, could you just drop it all, like it didn't happen, and doesn't matter? I know I can't.

I was going to type more, but I am very, very tired. Maybe more tomorrow. We'll see.

Permalink Reply by Beorc Kano on July 1, 2011 at 6:34

Mmkay, I'm back. Much better day today. Found that I scored a full 100% on my final project on my Business course, lifting me from a possible D to a B, which is nice... but also somewhat irrelevant.

Considering meditation right now, but i am feeling rather unfocused. Not entirely certain where to begin... it's like, the whole time I've been here, I have accepted the position of an authority (note, not THE authority) of those things which are my specialties (runecraft, crafting spiritual items [such as my altar chest], bloodwork, so on and so forth), but I have denied being called a Master of these things, because of my constant battle with my overwhelming arrogance.... when I do, in fact, feel as though I have sufficient skill to be called a Master of at least runecraft. I recognize this arrogance in me, and I actively work to suppress it.

And here I am, eleven years into forging my own path from the Savage Garden of existence, and I've reached the edge of a high cliff. I have no idea what is at the bottom of the dropoff... not a clue. I know it's not runes, I know it's nothing that I have confident experience in. No rope, no ladder, no stairs... the only way to the bottom is to jump.

I've seen others hit this point, and jump... and the outcome was not pleasant. That abyss is not something I relish stepping into blindly, and I don't know where to start. I know what I want to do, as I know what symbology works well with my psyche, but I have no idea how to attain it.

What I want to do it to summon before me, spiritually, the aspects of myself that are devouring me from the inside out, and face them. I want to see them, separate from me, and I want to destroy them. I want to take the destructive aspects of myself, and conquer them, because, right now, I feel like they are conquering me. My prolonged self-imposed suffering, my wrath, my destructive nature, these are things that need to be removed from me for the benefit of those I am around, and they would be best not left loose. Things left loose have a tendency to either come back, or find new homes. I'm open to the idea of making a fetish for each aspect identified within myself, and removing it from myself and into the fetish... I just do not know how to do such a thing.

Any direction would be hot.

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on July 1, 2011 at 15:40

Understand this: you will never destroy them.

This thing you're dealing with is what is referred to in my line as your "Shadow." Understand that your Shadow has helped you to survive at some point in time - these traits which are giving you hell now are traits that allowed you to cope and survive some point earlier in your life (sometimes even in previous lives, if you believe in such things). They were forced to come on strong, and they've remained that way, sure that continuing to work as they always have is what is best for you.

But you have clearly grown beyond your need for them. They no longer serve, and in fact, they inhibit (though they can't see that). Understand, though, that they're an inexorable part of you, and you'll only do damage to yourself if you try to destroy them.

Instead, it's time to put them in their proper place. The goal is to make allies of them, to make bannermen/vassals of them, if you will, once more. They must serve you, not the other way around. Now, in my line, we have an entire body of work based around encountering and befriending these aspects of Self, but they're based on techniques that we teach earlier on (so, sort of useless to you).

It does help to externalize them, as you seem to be wanting to do, but understand what you have to do with them. The existence of these internal forces is a simple fact of your spiritual self, and you need to make of them your allies once more. See them back into the fold, waiting to serve you when you call them, rather than leaping out, out of control, at their own whim.

Truth be told, I'm not sure how you might do this in the style of magic you employ. I can come up with something in conjure to help with this kind of situation, to help weaken their hold, but it'll likely be pretty involved.

Let me know if you'd like to see something, but I won't be comfortable setting that out unless I know you have a plan of dealing with it - just doing a "weakening the hold" sort of work without interacting with it in order to get it under control just results in becoming more under their sway.

Permalink Reply by Beorc Kano on July 1, 2011 at 17:31

I have thought about what you said, Oak, and I agree. To annihilate a part of self would likely be a rash action, and would be more or less falling prey to that which I am trying to avoid; self destruction.

So, in this case, what would you suggest? The great thing about my style of magic is that I am open to really any path or practice, so long as it speaks to me. The only thing that I have no interest or desire for is deity-oriented practice. As I have noted recently, it's not that I am atheist, or that I hate the gods, it just that, currently, the gods have no use for me, and I have no use for them. I stay out of their way, they stay out of mine. It's a mutual arrangement, I think.

I'm probably more open to suggestions at this point that I have been in a long, long while.

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on July 6, 2011 at 19:49

No, deities would only complicate this kind of thing. :) This is between you and your Self.

Pulling this back to conjure, what I would honestly suggest would be the use of figural candles - specifically, of the "devil" or "Baphomet" type. Conjure is deeply sympathetic in nature, so it uses these image-candles pretty extensively.

Do this on the night of the New Moon. If necessary repeat as often as you feel is necessary during the Waxing Moon; repeat 3, 7 or 9 times if you do repeat it (though it's not necessary).

First, wash the candle in salt water, and "baptize" it, giving it a name (even if it's just something like "Rage" or something like that). Then, cense it, giving it a name, and then anoint it with a Master (used to master or command something) or High John (used to conquer) oil, giving it a name a third time.

Then, make a name paper with your name on it, and cross your name with a phrase like "I am master of my rage" or something similar. Anoint it with Master or High John oil in a five-spot pattern (dot of oil at each corner, then one in the middle). Feel free to add a drop or two of your own blood to it, and place this under a candle that represents you. It could be your Master Spirit candle, or it could be a Skull figural candle (white or purple in color). If you use a Skull or other candle to represent you, wash, cense and anoint it the way you did with the devil figure, but use your own name when naming it (as in, your own given, legal name).

Now, lay down a two Circles of Master or High John powder (you can make this by adding drops of the oil to cornstarch; then, add 1 part of this scented cornstarch to 2 parts talc powder) or a Graveyard Dirt of someone associated with command or authority (a police officer or military officer work very well for this - anyone who demonstrated control of other, violent sorts in life). You can also make a powder by combining these. These circles are one in front of the other.

In the circle in back, place your name parchment and representational candle of you on top of the parchment. Light this, using the normal method you use for doing so. In the circle in front, place the devil figural candle. Light it on its own - NOT by using flame from your representational candle. You now have two candles, each burning with their own flame.

Now, tell that ol' devil: "[NAME], you've burned long enough on your own!" and BLOW out that flame (being careful to not extinguish your own candle behind it!). Then, with a taper, take the flame from your representational candle, and say: "[NAME], now you burn with my flame, not your own. You don't control me anymore, [NAME]. You answer to me, [NAME] and me alone!" Then, light the devil figure.

Finally, draw a line of powder that leads from your circle to the devil's circle (NOT the other way around), metaphorically extending your control to the devil candle.

As they both burn, say a prayer, speak an incantation, extemporize an invocation or read something that reflects what you want is control over that aspect of your own self within.

Permalink Reply by Oakthorne on August 14, 2011 at 1:19

Did you get a chance to do this Work, Bran? Just checking in to see if you consider this issue adequately resolved (at least for the nonce). Let me know, one way or the other. :)