I'm Your All or Nothing Girl.

I feel like a bad ‘pagan’, rather a bad ‘dedicated’ witch.

I should know more by now. But I am all air and water, like a hurricane. With no fire or earth. No will and no follow through. I just don’t consider myself competent enough to allow myself to practice magic. Although to me, yes magic is in everything one does, yet I suppose I am referring to formal magic. The type of magic an active practicing witch would be worthy of casting within a sacred space between the worlds in timelessness. But I’m reaching a now or never turning point in my life with many things. Call it a quarter life crisis, but its time to do more than just ‘wake up’. I need to ‘start moving’. Without practice, the knowledge is lost.

Once again I feel like I am starting all over again. I wonder if this is common?  If I did not find the videos from Aislynn on Youtube WHEN I did, I strongly believe that I would not have been able to delve deeper into what matters about being a witch, than I ever would have been able to ‘accomplish’ on my incompetent own. I would just be enchanted in this never ending circle, starting point to starting point again with no growth.

To be honest though, I’ve never met a witch like her who talks about more than just the common knowledge. This challenged me to take a good long look at myself and realize that I cannot call myself a witch, I am merely a seeker, after all these years. Lucid dreams, astral projection, dream work, tarot, intuition, closed eye visuals, releasing positive vibes, chakra meditations, and all. I do not feel that I met the requirements of a witch.

People from where I live around claim all sorts of outrageous things and expect you to skip hand and hand off the cliff with them, and no one is comfortable being challenged on their imagined authority. Both old and young . . . at least from my experience, from where I’m from. Nothing is ever a debate, but a fiery argument with threats of curses. So I withdrew. Not an atmosphere I want to be a part of, personally.

I’ve been offered to join a local coven once, two years ago, but I don’t even know what I believe, still to this day. Yet they were prepared to teach me what they believe. I was offered the high priestess position.  Who am I? I am not worthy. I am a mere paige, all questions and no answers.

I had felt that through joining this coven, with its already set in stone beliefs, that their belief system, would have had an effect on how I was to go to about perceiving my ‘unique individual path’ of learning. Like I'm 'special' or something by the sounds of it . . .

I felt that my ‘natural path’ would have been tainted, in a way. That practicing under another’s beliefs would insult the pantheon trying to communicate with me. I felt that I would not be able to see things as ‘they should be for me’ through my perceptual viewpoint, unhindered, if I began allowing their belief system to dominate my ‘possible path’. But that is a silly reason. I don’t believe that is even really possible. You have to read other biases whilst reading through your studies.  Its the only way anything of this nature makes it to print! How else is one to know what they really think on the matter if they were never introduced to the first opinion, the first idea?

Yet now, two years later, I often wonder if I should have taken the offer.  In hindsight, how would I have known if I would be comfortable in believing how they believe without first learning through their tradition???

Quote from the witchvox profile of the individual who offered me a position in the coven:

“Coven of Whitting IN, (an eclectic coven with a Gardnerian lineage) for over 13 yrs. I had the privilage and honor of being trained by the late Linda Batwinski (Lady Linda was a.k.a. Mrs.B. or Mrs. Bee) . Our Lineage goes back to Gardner by way of Donna Cole Schultz and Herman Enderle (founders of The Temple of the Pagan Way, based out of Chicago) . Our tradition was founded in part, or thanks to notable authors like Raymond Buckland, and Ed Fitch. Amber K. was also initiated in this line, but I've never had the pleasure of meeting her.”

I don’t know if any of this is true, or how to tell if any of it is true. I do not know the significance of this information either. I am but a leaf blowing in the wind. Perhaps I need a tradition, a coven even, which I’ll be frank, I am afraid of being a part of one due to . . . past experiences. Being forced to be skyclad or ‘get out and be worthless’ while still being a minor is not something I like to remember. . .

I have been studying the craft on and off again since age 14, I am now 25. But it wasn’t until last November of 2011, when something clicked in my mind. That focus and self-discipline as well as follow-through are the keys to everything. The important keys to the self that I have lacked my entire life! Maybe my prefrontal cortex is near finishing the completion of its development.

To me, when one should officially be considered an adult is when they are chemically able to think like one. In this example, when the brain tissue has developed enough in the reasoning center of the brain (prefrontal cortex) then the person is able to view life in a more ‘adult-like’ manner, thus symbolizing the completion of the development of one’s prefrontal cortex. I do not recall if this can be scientifically proven. In most cases this process is not complete until a person’s mid-twenties, some even their early thirties according to my curious studies about the brain.

I am determined to answer to my calling. I am tired of failing. No God would be interested in the dealings with one as pathetic as me. If I am to be worthy of Deity, I MUST continue my change and self-discipline effectively and with focus. ADHD is no excuse. There are no more excuses! I will have no more patience for myself. I have to read a book four times to remember enough of the information from within it. Plus, each time, I often catch myself wandering in thought while in the middle of a paragraph and I will scold myself and re-read and re-read until my wandering mind sits still! The frustration I have with myself is sickening!

Books of interest that I refer to in regards to the prefrontal cortex:

1)      Invisible Heroes Survivors of Trauma and how they heal by Belleruth Naparstek

2)      The Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel

3)      The Divided Mind by John E. Sarno, M.D.

4)      The Owner’s Manual for the Brain Everyday Applications from Min-Brain Research from Bard Press